Сообщения от Веселье

Читаю новость "Земле дали ещё миллиард лет". Суть в том, что ранее была оценка, что через 150 миллионов лет все океаны испарятся и Земля станет безжизненной пустыней. Теперь французы эти вычисления уточнили и такой исход вероятно наступит через миллиард лет. Комментарии:
--Спасибо, конечно, а то я очень беспокоился как жить дальше.
--Хорошо, что вода начнёт испаряться с планеты не через 150 миллионов лет, а через миллиард. А то я сомневался, рыть бассейн или нет?
--Чтобы растащить остатки России хватит 10 лет.
--А почему французские, а не британские учёные???

надо тему обновить )
Вчерашнее.
Комментатор матча:
"Удар Фернандо под перекладину и ... один-ноль.... Кажется...."

Комментатор: "С огромным удовольствием продолжу репортаж, если игра сместиться на левый фланг обороны Шахтера"
Комментатор: "Ну, вот, друзья, после получаса туманной игры - знакомьтесь. Это футболисты Шахтера, это футболисты Тичино. Мы вновь их видим"
Комментатор:
"-... успешное возвращение Луиса Адриано на поле. И, вместе со своими партнерами, он скрылся в тумане;
- ... судя по отчаянному крику двенадцатого номера швейцарцев мяч в цель не попадает..."

Добавлено через 2 минуты
Комментатор:
"... ну и мы с вами, друзья, гол не увидим, даже если он случится.
... Гречишкин куда-то туда, в черную дыру...
... нет, игра продолжается. Наверное футболистам видно лучше.... ...Давайте будем пытаться угадывать, что происходит на поле. Викторина продолжается"

Урок русского языка в одесской школе. Учитель:
— Сегодня мы изучаем степени сравнения прилагательных. Чтобы было ясно, я сразу приведу примеры. Берем слово «хорошо». Сравнительная степень — «лучшеЕ», превосходная степень — «очень хорошо», и степень, которая ни с чем не сравнится — «чтоб я так жил!» Понятно? Тогда возьми, Моня, слово «плохо» и сделай с ним то же самое!
— ХужеЕ.
— Прекрасно! Давай превосходную степень.
— Очень плохо.
— Великолепно! Ну, и последняя степень?
— Чтоб вы так жили!

- Ребе, я еду в Одессу. Говорят, что девушки там одеваются совсем не так, как у нас в Бердичеве. Скажите, ребе, а можно мне смотреть на девушку, если на ней надета мини-юбка или блузка с декольте?
- Можно.
- А если она загорает на пляже в бикини?
- Можно.
- А если топлесс?
- Можно.
- Ребе, а есть такие вещи, на которые еврею нельзя смотреть?
- Есть.
- Какие, например?
- Например, электросварка.

выдержки из книжки "Disorder in the American Courts"

кто найдет книжку целиком, поделитесь плз.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
**********************

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

**********************

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

**********************

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

**********************

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

**********************

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

**********************

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

**********************

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

***********************

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...

***********************

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

***********************

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....Duh......

***********************

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

***********************

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the person?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

***********************

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

***********************

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

***********************

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral

***********************

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

***********************

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

***********************

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Бедные американцы.

29 Things You Will Only Understand If You Studied Russian

You don’t learn Russian, Russian learns you.
posted on May. 14, 2015, at 9:56 p.m.
Susie Armitage
BuzzFeed News Reporter
Tweet

1. When you first meet the Cyrillic alphabet and think, cool, I can do this.

2. In those early days, every little victory is thrilling. Like when you can finally read the word “bread” after puzzling over it for five minutes.
You’ll be ready to tackle Tolstoy and Dostoevsky in no time.

3. But you quickly realize that making sense of the alphabet is one thing, and actually speaking Russian is another.
SO. MANY. CONSONANTS.

4. “Pretend you’ve just been kicked in the stomach,” your professor says, introducing the letter Ы.
“Ы! Ы! Ы! Ы! Ы! Ы! Ы! Ы! Ы! Ы!” you chant like a bunch of drunken sea lions.

5. After three weeks, you can finally pronounce “hello” correctly.
Or if you can’t, you just start saying “good day” to everyone instead.

6. There’s a Ш and a Щ? And a Ч?
This seems unnecessary.

7. But when you mix them up, native Russian speakers have no idea what you’re trying to say.
What do you mean, you want to open a “ya-shik” at the post office? OHHHH, a yash-chik.

8. Then there’s the mysterious little мягкий знак, worming its way into otherwise simple words and working its dark magic.

9. Like David Sedaris in Me Talk Pretty One Day, you find yourself referring to a store that sells “couches, beds and tables” instead of мебель because the word is so damned hard to pronounce.

10. Your first attempts at simple translations are totally, hopelessly wrong, because Russian grammar.
Messing up the aspect of a verb is guaranteed to be an ongoing, habitual and repeated action.

11. Just when you’ve mastered one case, you discover there are five others to learn.
How I learned to stop worrying and love the nominative, the accusative, the genitive, the dative, the instrumental and the prepositional.

12. You are pleasing to me? I feel myself badly?

13. You have to remember that a television is male, a newspaper is female and a radio is genderqueer.

14. Then you meet the verbs of motion.
@susarm and I still remember Russ 101 in college asking how to say "to go" and prof was all OH YOU AREN'T READY FOR THAT YET
— nataliesurely (@Natalie Shure)

15. Your instructor makes you describe a merry little trip around an imagined city, full of opportunities to ехать, идти, выходить, обходить, переходить and заходить.
Seems safer to stay at home.

16. You find it impossible to read a native speaker’s cursive handwriting.
Your Russian script is still worse than a third-grader’s, but you’ve also lost the ability to write legible cursive in English.

17. You get used to speaking in imperatives, because otherwise you just sound weird.
“I would like a cup of coffee, please” = too many words for the admirably no-nonsense Russian language.

18. You look down on your friends who study Spanish or French (while simultaneously envying them.)

19. Inevitably, you will tell someone you spent the afternoon pissing instead of writing.

20. Or talk about the value of a good circumcision when you meant to say “education.”

21. When you’ve exhausted your Russian vocabulary, you throw an -овать on the end of an English verb and pray to the gods of cross-cultural communication.
If стартовать is an actual word, the sky’s the limit.

22. When you get to Russia, you have to ask the bartender for a “Sprayt” or a “Long Aylend” in your most exaggerated accent to be understood.
But you’ve been mispronouncing “vodka” and “Kalashnikov” your whole life, so cut them some slack.

23. How does the word смузи (smoothie) exist in Russian, while they insist on spelling my name Сьюзи (S-yooo-zie)?
It pains me just to TYPE смузи.

24. But even if you hate it, you start introducing yourself with the Russian version of your name, because otherwise nobody will know what to call you.
Extra fun if your name is Seth or Ruth.

25. Even if you’ve studied it for years, the Russian language will still find ways to throw you for a loop.
Because you don’t learn Russian, Russian learns you.

26. Like when someone points out you’ve been incorrectly placing the accent in a word you use ALL THE TIME.

27. Surprise! That ominous Cyrillic blob you’ve been trying to decipher is actually a cognate.
Яхт-клуб. Ксерокс. Боди-шейминг.

28. But despite all the headaches, you’re glad you decided to stick with it.

29. Because they don’t call it the great and mighty Russian language for nothing.
And you can’t imagine your life without it.

Геройское...



Ну и ещё, заодно уж.

Герои? Нет, не слышал

Прикиньте, я 7 лет не заходил на форум. Вот это анекдот так анекдот.

— Смотрите, это видео о том, как я провожу свой день. — Но это—же фотка, где ты лежишь на диване! — Нет! Это видео.

- Алло, привет, любимая! Чем сейчас занимаешься?
- Рыбку заливную делаю...
- Ого! А ты разве умеешь?!
- А то! Кусок воблы, глоточек пивка.

Гаишник останавливает машину и пристально рассматривает права кавказца. Водитель:
- Дорогой, ты думаешь, что я их купил?
- А тогда где вы их взяли?
- Друзья подарили!

Шутка о том, как Венгрия объявляла войну США (во Второй Мировой).

There's the old joke about the Hungarian ambassador handing declaration of war to the US Secretary of State Cordell Hull:
Hull: "Why would the Republic of Hungary declare war against us?"
Ambassador: "We are a kingdom not a republic."
Hull: "Your king approved this?"
Ambassador: "We have no king, we are ruled by a regent, Admiral Horthy."
Hull: "You are ruled by your navy? How big is it?"
Ambassador: "We have no navy, we are a landlocked country."
Hull: "So why do you want to fight us, do you have territorial claim against the USA?"
Ambassador: "We have no claim against you, only against Romania."
Hull: "Are you also declaring war on Romania?"
Ambassador: "No, Romania is our ally."

Каждый день.